Artists Way Week 3 & FINALLY accepting my life actually is amazing

The hardest thing for me to realize was there was nothing to fix in the end

This week I went to Amsterdam with my mom

Revalations upon revalations, its funny the Artists way doesn’t act as something where you just change all of a sudden it’s slow growth but it also feels like mindsets are changing quickly (this is from doing the morning pages)

While doing my daily morning pages I finally had to accept that my life is amazing and I really think this was one of the hardest things for me to do because I tend to look for problems in every single thing in my life then try to fix it.

Over half of my morning pages are me yelling at myself saying I suck, I’m not doing enough, my art is hideous, I’ll never become like “those” artists and it really drains me on a daily basis. I try to find problems that don’t exist in my relationships, anything at all but the deeper I look the more I realize how truly lucky I am.

I think I’ve lived a lot of my life in total fear; at the age of 27 I had my heart broken and decided to travel alone for a while and while it was absolutely wonderful, I lived so much of my life alone and in total fear. Always thinking something bad was right around the corner waiting for me. I’ve traveled to many countries with just myself and my thoughts living in a wonderland then going home to cry in my loneliness and this was a feeling I carried with me for years.

I got so comfortable living in pain I think it was the only way I knew how to live at a point in my life.

One morning I finally started writing things like “I am trying to feel comfortable and happy but its hard” and “I overthink every single thing that I do” but then I began writing from an outside perspective. If I really look at my life as a stranger looking in, I would want to live that life.

I may not be working right now but I am following my dreams and working towards something that I truly want in life. I get to focus on something that I am passionate about that I am creating from my heart and this is something I have wanted for such a long time but I’ve been so afraid to admit it. Everyone in my life is so amazing and inspiring, I love my friends, my family and my partner is so supportive of me. I truly feel lucky to be surrounded by so many loving people.

More Amsterdam pics

This week was around Anger and Shame

It’s crazy I feel like each week sort of aligns really well with how I’m feeling because finally admiting my dreams to myself brought out a lot of shame as well as anger. Anger from not being further in my career and shame from wanting to become an illustrator. I also felt a lot of embarrassment from trying to put myself out in the world as an artist.

Currently I am in a mood of gratefulness as well as shame and embarassment but I think it’s a good thing because I’m happy to finally recognize this loving space I’ve created in my life.

Journal prompts: Going back to my child self

Most of the journal prompts this week were around what you were like as a kid when you didn’t worry about the world and just lived. I can honestly say I loved being a kid, I was so imaginative and happy, and just enjoying life dancing around with friends and laughing about stupid things (like fart jokes). I miss that side of myself and I hate that I worry so much now. It was a reminder of the person I used to be and I hope I can get back to that person again.

pics from the Van gogh museum

Week 3 the week I finally had fun and was in Amsterdam with my mom

This also happened to be the week my mom came to visit me and we went over to Amsterdam, now I’ve traveled to Amsterdam many times by myself. I even went there for a whole month just working remote and exploring but there was something so special about traveling with someone who knows you and understands you so well.

I honestly had the best time ever for the 5 days we were in Amsterdam, we went to the Van Gogh Museum, The Stedelijk Museum, and the Rijksmuseum and it was so much fun! We even went on the canal tour and the weather was so perfect! It was the nicest weather I’ve ever seen in Amsterdam and everything was just perfect.

I still get anxiety that I’m not doing enough in my career but I can say that I truly enjoyed myself and made the most of this amazing trip. The Van Gogh museum was so inspiring and I love his use of colors and brush strokes. I’m hoping to do a canvas painting soon based on his style.

Morning Pages

I have to admit I did skip a few days because of all of the traveling and I ended up journaling a little in the morning then continuing throughout the day. I don’t really like having to journal 3 full pages every morning because it feels like so much but I will aim to be more consistent next week. It also should be easier since I’ll be back in Portugal.

My artist date was at Rijksmuseumtuinen in the Rijksmuseum Garden

Week 3 Artists Date

For this week I did something I haven’t done in a while; I just sat in the park outside of the Rijksmuseum (Rijksmuseumtuinen) and read a book. When I travel I usually have my music in and I walk around aimlessly and endlessly. It was always so fun but I always felt like I was in a rush and I wasn’t ever exploring enough. For this date I tried to just sit still with myself in nature and it was so pleasant and something I really want to make sure I make time to do again.

Conclusion

This week was probably one of the best weeks so far for me I had so much fun but didn’t get any work done. I think my next steps will be on on integrating work life and play life in a seamless way that works long term.