Week 4 the week of removing distractions

Finding the real source of my pain & anger

This week was a special week because for this week part of the assignment was to remove distractions. Now this book was written over 30 years ago and social media was not as big of a thing back then if it even existed at all, so she doesn’t mention it but I know when she says remove distractions she means don’t go on social media. So for this week I did my best not to read books, take in the news, or go on social media etc.

The very first day I found myself watching 2 YouTube videos first thing in the morning, then I stopped and told myself I wasn’t going to do it this week and I have to take this seriously. I began to realize the main source of my addiction was YouTube. I can honestly say I don’t feel addicted to Instagram, I mean I do go on it but I barely watch any stories, barely take in any content really. I probably go on it for like 10 mins a day and have no problem not going on it for days if needed. It’s mainly just for me to push out any art or pictures that I personally like or that just show how I’m doing.

I began to realize how much YouTube I actually watch

When I’m illustrating on my iPad every day I can easily just throw something on so I usually watch other artists talk and it’s pretty much on all day. As inspiring as all of the content I take in is, I’ve realized I constantly compare myself to these artists and I take in so many tips and steps to do that I end up forgetting it all because it’s too many things. I think watching one useful video per day is probably the sweet spot, I would even say every other day or even once a week might be better. It’s impossible for me to do all of these tips, or do all of these things so I begin to feel behind and I look at these artists work and think to myself “I’ll never be as good as them and immediately compare my visuals to their style”.

I ended up only watching those first two videos on Monday and I told myself I need to really cut down on my YouTube moving forward. I don’t have a specific regulation quite yet but I’m thinking if I can just do an hour a day of YouTube that would be amazing.

Switching my input output

When I think about the amount of art I take in vs. the art I create it doesn’t look good. I mean I do spend hours a day working on my children’s book but it takes so long and because it’s not done yet it sometimes feels like I’m never going to get there. So for this week I decided to hand draw cards for some of my closest friends. I’ll admit I had to go on Pinterest for a few of them, just to get some reference visuals but I also drew some cards from my heart without looking at any reference visuals and I made sure to draw them all in my style and even change up the colors and emotions, body shapes etc.

Some drawings I did for my artist date

Artist date

I think my artist date this week was making the cards for friends. I tried not to put too much pressure on myself while making them. These are just fun drawings I’m making for friends and I honestly enjoyed it so much. I used color pencils and markers again while drawing and I don’t remember the last time I did that. I gave myself due dates since I had to make cards to give back to my mom before she leaves for my friends in Hawaii.

It felt so nice to just draw an image and give it to someone you care about. It also felt very healing. I forgot how much I enjoy drawing & writing cards to friends or just giving gifts for no reason (something my mom also loves to do who’s visiting me right now).

Finding what works

Listening to music while drawing seems to work for me or even just sitting in silence (something I’ve slowly been getting better at). I’ve spend so much of my life always taking in videos, images, music as I get older I’m realizing how special sitting in silence by myself feels. It’s such an intimate special moment that I’m learning to cherish a lot.

Morning pages

I’m happy to report I did my morning pages every single day this week and completed the full 3 pages. The best part: my voice sounds so much kinder to me and supportive. Every single thing I wrote this week has been so caring and kind and hopeful it’s amazing. I’ll admit there are moments I can feel myself questioning these thoughts and dreams I have but I’m glad I am aware of them and the next step for me will be to not let it pull me down a negative spiral of thoughts.

The negative spiral of doom

My biggest fault that I currently have is noticing something that can bring me down then having another negative thought, then another, then another until I become depressed and down on myself.

It can start with news of someone succeeding being super busy, with tons of friends and doing super well with a life that just looks perfect then I compare myself. I tell myself “I’m nothing like that person” “I’m a fucking freak!”. I’ve tried in the past and no one has ever wanted to purchase my work and it comes so easily for them. Then the spiral happens. I’ll constantly wonder “why not me?” “What is it about me that just sucks so much?”. There are times where it’ll happen often and times where it decreases, currently I can tell I’m improving a lot because no matter what it doesn’t make sense to compare myself to other people, the only person I should be comparing myself to is my past self and that is something I’ve been working on a lot this week. Also improvement isn’t a straight line I’m accepting there will be days that just “suck” and that’s ok, no ones perfect and there’s always tomorrow.

Finding my affirmation

The craziest thing happened, I found the affirmation to tell myself everyday. My affirmation came to me while I was writing out different options, I can’t explain it really. I just started to think of different things to say to myself and began writing them down and one just stuck and felt so right and special. I actually don’t even want to say what it is because it feels like a secret only for me to know but I’m making it a point to write it out every single day. There are days I question it but overall I’m starting to really believe it and push that negative voice away. I think I need to learn to just nod my head when that voice comes and not let it get to me like it can do at times.

Journal prompts

This week’s journal prompts were all around recovering a sense of identity (hence the need to remove distractions). They were quick fire questions that you just need to answer and not overthink anything around hobbies, classes, skills you like and overall it was a fun experience.

I’ve realized how many dreams I have for myself and the standards I’ve set for myself. I was told to write a letter to myself at eighty to myself at my current age now. Also to myself at eight to myself now. It felt very hopeful and was a really nice exercise to do.

Conclusion

I can feel myself healing. I know the artist way works because I’ve done it in the past. I only made it to week eight so I’m excited to actually finish this one. The morning pages is becoming a self nurturing practice for myself every day. For my artist date I made art cards for my friends using color pencils and markers and it was such a healing relaxing experience. Overall I’m learning to sit in silence and really enjoy it.