The downfalls of being an artist with ADHD

and how I've managed to deal with it......so far

Me learning to slow down

I can’t even begin to go over all of the changes I’ve gone through this year, emotionally, spiritually, mentally and creatively. 

For one I began facing a lot of my fears head on, the biggest one was my feeling of imposter syndrome. Even after having over 10 years of experience as a successful well paid graphic designer working for large companies in America with huge followings. I still felt like I wasn’t enough and it’s something I deal with all of the time.

It’s difficult for me to take a break and to even stop thinking, especially after leaving my job, I had the idea that I need to be working SO HARD since I’m not making any money and I can honestly say I have been doing that. 

I’ve been working harder now that I don’t have a job then when I was working a full time job

I am barely managing the tiny social life I currently have with my few close friends and I’ve been having issues opening up to people because I’ve spent so much time alone in my thoughts this year. 

And it’s still not enough. It's as if I'm beginning to hit a wall because the truth is no matter how well I do, when will it be enough? I thought completing my book would give me the high I was looking for and I did get it but then I had this feeling like “What next?” 

What do I put all of my energy and time into now? 

I’m honestly trying to work on being present and enjoying life and the truth is I wrote this book as a form of self healing for children and adults to learn how to heal themselves from within, hence why the name of my book is called “A World Within”. It’s a lesson I’ve been secretly trying to teach myself for so long but when will I truly learn? 

The truth is I have been improving A LOT, and I’ve become aware of the things that bring me down but I’ve noticed there are a few things that truly feel like a jab to my heart and that is REJECTION when sharing my art or when trying to be apart of a community and I get a no because I’m just not talented enough or something. 

I literally go down this long negative spiral of “your not good enough” “you’ll never get there” “who are you kidding thinking you could even apply” “you’ll never fit in with them” 

Picturing myself looking at strangers just looking down at me, like I’ll never have that moment where I finally feel accomplished. 

The first rejection I got this year was when I tried to join an illustrators discord group. I personally don’t like giant chat groups with a bunch of people so I applied to a smaller group that was more selective. I shared a bunch of my illustrations and spoke about my background and then just waited. I tried telling myself if I don’t get in it’s not a big deal it's just a dumb discord group but when I get rejected I honestly felt the world just crumbled around me. I cried so hard feeling I will never get there. “When will it happen to me” you get it. 

The second one was an author illustrator site for finding work similar to upwork, and I guess I didn’t see that they had huge requirements to join. I thought you just make a profile then connect with other people but when I saw those specific words “Our team has decided not to activate your profile” it just brought me back and this time it hurt even more I guess because I cared a lot more.

And these are the pitfalls of having ADHD, because my brain works so differently I truly feel like I am an alien and I don’t fit in everywhere which is why there was a time in my life I solo traveled a lot because I didn’t feel like I belong anywhere.

Learning to be more present

I’ve been trying to read books on slowing down and self healing and one of the top things I’ve noticed in all of these books is the importance of meditation and the current one I’m reading now is called “Trust your vibes” by Sonia Choquette. Actually the last chapter I just finished was all about meditation. What I really loved about how she explained meditation was that you don’t need to sit in a cross legged position with your eyes closed to meditate. 

Some people are just not able to meditate that way so she stated some other examples of things people can do such as sit in a church which was much calmer than at home with her teenagers. Or another activity was going for a walk during lunch or just sitting in a park. Even for the analytical people tinkering with things or putting a puzzle together is a great way to meditate.

The main point is you are slowing your mind down, calming your wild thoughts, and just being present and in the moment. 

Some coloring pages from my upcoming book

For me I enjoy going for walks listening to music and just drawing for fun without a purpose and just exploring my creativity. Some great advice I received recently was to just color in coloring books. It’s actually a very meditative experience since you don’t need to think much, you're just coloring in lines already made and playing with different colors letting your mind slow down. 

I’ve realized recently my purpose here on earth is to help people find themselves from within, it’s always been deep knowing but also going through my own emotions of feeling different, out of place, and learning to heal myself first so I can fully understand what other people are going through.

I made this book to help people connect with themself and heal themselves from within and it truly feels amazing to be bringing my book into the world but the truth is I want to help people in any way possible. So I’ve decided to create a digital coloring book featuring 15 pages from my upcoming book “A World Within” available to you for free. If you’d like to get a free download I have the link right here, no pressure at all. I also plan to be sharing life updates, behind the scenes videos and more about me that are honestly quite personal. 

Through everything I think we all have a life line that brings us back to the present moment and makes us feel like we were here for a reason. Mine is making art, I truly love making art and it is the thing that has pulled me out of some of the darkest points in my life. 

I share this to hopefully show you that you are not alone and it’s ok to have these dark feelings and acknowledge them but don’t forget to find your own life line whatever that may be!